Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize