Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
