i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
