all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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