She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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