I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I just googled if crying burns calories
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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