very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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