you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
