just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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