she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Randomize
