I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
