ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
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