apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
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