My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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