Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize