I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize