You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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