I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
