Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
