Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
