I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize