$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
