i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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