You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
