It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
