I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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