My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
