Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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