Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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