well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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