Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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