So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
