so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
