And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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