I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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