just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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