Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
