Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
