she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
