we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Randomize
