i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
