filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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