But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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