from now on my penis is your penis
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
