When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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