i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
