i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
