I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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