I should be sponsored by Trojan
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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