one two three fourrrrnication!
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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