I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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