i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
