I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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