My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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