I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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