Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
