I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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