Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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