theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
