It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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