i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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