if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize