I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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