Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
