he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
