It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize