So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
