Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Its about making memories worth repressing
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
