You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
