Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Randomize
