Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
