We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
