I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I don't want my vagina anymore.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
